While many of my musings have been of a humorous nature, I warn my readers that this post is Rated PG. (Personal Groanings).
It's New Year's Weave, er I mean Eve. Everywhere people are examining their lives (while in the queue at the ABC store), planning ways to make the next year "better". Come on, we're all familiar; eating smarter, exercising regularly, making time to be present (oh lawd, I hate that), juicing more, learning to love cauliflower pizza dough (gross) and as my friend and Pastor likes to joke, responsibly recycling. Doing these things will SHA-ZAM. Make your life better.
I've been in my darling apartment for nearly 15 months. I've seen God perform innumerable miracles in my life - you wouldn't BELIEVE. A free Camry! 4 jobs! (2 of which are within .5 miles from my home) friends upon friends upon friends giving, helping, giving, giving, giving.
So why am I so blue?
A friend read my mind recently. "It's scarier now, I'm sure...", she said. Yep. The adrenaline from fleeing in haste has waned, the dust has settled, the rigors of moving things, setting up my home have lessened.
I know the end of my story and I know I have hell-defeating hope. I also know my Redeemer can be trusted and I know the purpose of my life. That right there should be enough, I know it should. But the getting there...in the natural it feels very, very hard.
People have said and have assumed, "...but I'm so glad you're HAPPIER now. You DESERVE to be happy."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. But you're wrong.
I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any such thing. (I'll explain. God's Word tells me I'm a sinner and I deserve death. (Ecclesiastes 7, Romans 3) But wait! ---> That's not the end. ---> There is hope for those who put their trust in the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus.)
And I'm NOT happier now, but I understand how you can think that way.
I'm SAFER now. So that's important. But as long as my #1 earthly enemy still waits for me on the other end of my mobile device, I'm going to have a toothache in my knee, a migraine in my foot and a thorn in my flesh.
The texts, the constant manipulations, the selfish ambitions, the twisting of truths; no court order can protect me from that. This is my new reality. Sure it's different from before, but now I'm faced with the forever fact that until my boys are men, this is my diagnosis; my chronic illness.
I'm in anguish because a punk of a father, who "worked" until midnight every night and only saw his children but on the weekends now takes my boys away from me fifty percent of the time. I went from a stay at home mother, deeply devoted to the raising of my children, who saw them at every waking moment to now...in my apartment on New Year's Eve with America's Test Kitchen on PBS. (And no, my children were not my idol. I just took my job very seriously.)
So what does God say about this?
This is what the Lord says - he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters. "FORGET THE FORMER THINGS, DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19 NIV
And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5 NIV
I get it, Lord. I want to put my trust in You. I want to have unshakable joy, immutable faith. May Your will be done in my life.
Now, let's party! :(
