Need a laugh today?

The following conversation took place at our local pool. Normally a very, very quiet place during the day. Folks start to file in after 4p when the rates drop. But the other day I was seated by the deep end and I see (and hear) a grown woman swim over to the hunky Lifeguard stand (the Lifeguard was seated up high) and she yelled out of the blue, "Better not get that melanoma cancer!" (He was wearing a hat, dark shades and was neatly tucked directly under a large umbrella.) I thought to myself, oh how dear. She continued, "I had that last year! I have 6 kids. Yup. Got 4 boys and 2 girls. One's a singer in Nashville. He's on the COMPUTER! He records with Bon Jovi." I continued to think, oh she IS dear. She went on and on about her kids and then I got distracted and turned off my ears. Yesterday at the pool, my boys were yelling at me to get the skimmer (like I work there?) to remove some of the floating debris that remained after the previous day's tornado that ripped through King of Prussia. (Jamie, if you're reading this, Gulph Mills Apts suffered loads of damage. 2 cars lost their windshields, plus other destruction.) Out of no-where I hear, "I used to swim in the creek! Kids today!!" There she was. My friend from the other day. She was sunbathing, laying down, and then WOOP, she sits up to speak to us. It startled me a bit but inside I was cracking up. I engaged her in casual conversation about the terrible damage sustained by the apartments behind us. "I saw that on my way to Bible Study this morning", she tells me. Then the following happened... ME: You go to Bible Study? SHE: Yeah. You heard of it? Ever do it? ME: Sure thing. Where do you go? SHE: (She points to the trees.) Down the road. At a house. ME: Oh! That's great! SHE: Where do YOU do it? ME: Well, we went to Church of the Saviour for years.... SHE: Oh, I go to prayer meetin' there. But they're closed for the summer. Are you reborn again?? ME: Yes I am! SHE: Aw, it's the best, isn't it? That Catholic stuff is all mixed up. All they want is your money. They never call to see how you're doin' or nothin'. ME: (I call out something to my boys...) SHE: How many kids you got? ME: I answer SHE: I got 6 kids. I got 4 boys and 2 girls. Ohhhhh my boys are so GOOD LOOKING!! ME: What about your girls?!! (I laugh) SHE: Oh, they're BEAUTIFUL! Wait I'll show you. She LEAPS up, no shoes, just bathing suit and starts to leave... SHE: I got pictures in my car. I'm gonna show you... She returns a few minutes later with a large photo ALBUM. I leaf through what are the MOST GORGEOUS, Pinterest perfect photographs of a Harvest Moon wedding last August in Honeybrook. I swear, everything was perfect. An old fashioned typewriter with which to sign the guest book. The men wore whatever suits they wanted, but they all blended in shades of brown tweed and gray. Lots and lots of texture complimented by the cutest little sprigs of wheat as boutonnieres. The the ring bearer had long blond hair. HIS name was Ocean. The bride wore a simple, outdoor appropriate dress. SHE: She's a lactose intolerant breastfeeding nurse. (I had to think about that for a minute.) Yeah, she makes good money. They bought a house down the Art Museum. Guess how much it was. (I shrug my shoulders.) $400,000. She then directed my attention back to the photos, and pointed to each of her children with such pride. It was really adorable. In the meantime, my curious children were standing directly behind me looking with great care at every photo and hanging on every word this sweet lady was saying. SHE: Look at these boys! Look! He's mine,(pointing to each son), HE'S mine. Aren't they good looking? That's Richie. That's Tommy. He's gay. You can kinda' tell, can't ya? (This is when I started to pray she wouldn't say too much.) This is the one that lives in Nashville... Oh my gosh that wedding was work! It was all organic. Even the beer was homemade. That's the best kind. Ya get REAL DRUNK!! (I'm screaming on the inside, and I can hear all the questions I'm going to get later from my little boys.) I guess my facial expression made her rebut, SHE: Oh, but I haven't drank in years. Yep. I got two in Nashville, two at the Art Museum, one in (???), and one in (??? ) and my youngest I got home with me. I fell all over the photos! I really did love everything I saw. They were perfect. And she returns to her seat. LEVI: (In a whisper) Mom, she adopted all those kids? ME: What honey? LEVI: She said she got one in Nashville and one somewhere else.... Oh, I'm screaming. This was the conversation I had with my new "reborn again" friend. She told me she comes to the pool every day to get away from her handicapped husband who works from home. He "does computer science". So I'm sure I'll be seeing her tomorrow. Stay tuned.