My Chronic Illness

While many of my musings have been of a humorous nature, I warn my readers that this post is Rated PG. (Personal Groanings).

It's New Year's Weave, er I mean Eve. Everywhere people are examining their lives (while in the queue at the ABC store), planning ways to make the next year "better". Come on, we're all familiar; eating smarter, exercising regularly, making time to be present (oh lawd, I hate that), juicing more, learning to love cauliflower pizza dough (gross) and as my friend and Pastor likes to joke, responsibly recycling. Doing these things will SHA-ZAM. Make your life better.

I've been in my darling apartment for nearly 15 months. I've seen God perform innumerable miracles in my life - you wouldn't BELIEVE. A free Camry! 4 jobs! (2 of which are within .5 miles from my home) friends upon friends upon friends giving, helping, giving, giving, giving.

So why am I so blue?

A friend read my mind recently. "It's scarier now, I'm sure...", she said. Yep. The adrenaline from fleeing in haste has waned, the dust has settled, the rigors of moving things, setting up my home have lessened.

I know the end of my story and I know I have hell-defeating hope. I also know my Redeemer can be trusted and I know the purpose of my life. That right there should be enough, I know it should. But the getting there...in the natural it feels very, very hard.

People have said and have assumed, "...but I'm so glad you're HAPPIER now. You DESERVE to be happy."

THANK YOU SO MUCH. But you're wrong.

I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any such thing. (I'll explain. God's Word tells me I'm a sinner and I deserve death. (Ecclesiastes 7, Romans 3) But wait! ---> That's not the end. ---> There is hope for those who put their trust in the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus.)

And I'm NOT happier now, but I understand how you can think that way.

I'm SAFER now. So that's important. But as long as my #1 earthly enemy still waits for me on the other end of my mobile device, I'm going to have a toothache in my knee, a migraine in my foot and a thorn in my flesh.

The texts, the constant manipulations, the selfish ambitions, the twisting of truths; no court order can protect me from that. This is my new reality. Sure it's different from before, but now I'm faced with the forever fact that until my boys are men, this is my diagnosis; my chronic illness.

I'm in anguish because a punk of a father, who "worked" until midnight every night and only saw his children but on the weekends now takes my boys away from me fifty percent of the time. I went from a stay at home mother, deeply devoted to the raising of my children, who saw them at every waking moment to now...in my apartment on New Year's Eve with America's Test Kitchen on PBS. (And no, my children were not my idol. I just took my job very seriously.)

So what does God say about this?

This is what the Lord says - he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters. "FORGET THE FORMER THINGS, DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19 NIV


And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5 NIV


I get it, Lord. I want to put my trust in You. I want to have unshakable joy, immutable faith. May Your will be done in my life.

Now, let's party! :(

Pain Swapping

There are some things that people never tell you or I guess you never know until it looks you square in the face.

When I left my situation to escape all the things I'm not allowed to identify here (or now - maybe someday) there was instant relief from the ugly surroundings I had become so accustomed to.

What nobody prepared me for is that my parenting time would be brutally torn in half.

For the last nine years I had been used to being with my boys constantly. I worked as a homemaker, and the last two years, we homeschooled. Their father "worked"/didn't come home until after midnight every week night. I operated like a single parent in lots of ways.

But I loved it.

Homeschool especially gave us the chance to slow down our lives in a Google Calendar based culture.

We took field trips, read aloud, explored outside, had picnics, we offered rides to people with brain injuries, we stayed out late during baseball season, we served others in the name of the Lord. What a wonderfully enriching time the three of us spent together. I thank God.

Now I'm reduced to seeing my children that I carried each for 41 weeks, nursed for their first year, taught them to eat, walk, use the toilet, pray, read... Now I'm reduced to seeing them two days a week and every other weekend.

Every time I'm alone in this house I curse the reason I'm here.

I can't tuck them in.

Read to them every night before bed.

Sing them a hymn.

Hold them while they're fresh from the shower.

Hear them laugh together.

Play Sleeping Queens.

THIS ENRAGES ME - and as I type I ruin three coats of mascara. Again.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT GOD!

It seems like all I did was swap out one pain for another.

I wonder...if it's worth it.

Alone at last

If I'm honest with you, which I always am... [My dad always says, "The truth is the only thing I tell. I have no reason to lie."] ...I would tell you that I've been feeling a little sorry for myself as of late.

I have a friend who shall remain nameless (rhymes with jacuzzi) who dates almost weekly. If not more. Lots of men want to get to know her, take her out, make her feel special. I think I'm jealous of that.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have somebody fairly normal (and not incarcerated) call me up and say, "Hey. I think you're neat. Let's eat!" (Ok. Nevermind. I would never date a dork like that. Alright, maybe I would if his name were Buddy the Elf.) Someone to appreciate my wit, my smarts, my convictions, my loving heart.

But let's face it, unless a guy is going to buy the whole, "I'm putting on weight for a movie role", I guess a date isn't happening anytime soon.

Isn't it awful that we're judged by what's on the outside first? What was that movie, Shallow Hal?

I mean, I guess it works in favor of super models (I can name two dozen that are my friends), but for those of us who are unfortunate looking...

But this morning at church, two separate girlfriends surprised me with gifts, and I almost fell apart.

One handed me a very valuable sterling silver (my fav!) butterfly wing pendant. It's gorgeous and from one of my favorite stores, "Dandelion" which always reminds me of love. (A doctor I worked for regularly bought his wife gifts there, and they are and will forever been so in love.)

The colors are exquisite and for some reason, the butterfly instantly took on personal symbolism for me. We squealed, I held her in my arms then I kissed her cheek. It was practically a date, I guess.

The second surprise came in the parking lot as I was leaving church. A lovely lady reached in my car and handed me a velvet ring box. My eyes shot wide open. She said, "Don't get excited", but it was TOO LATE. I opened it up and SCREAMED, SCREAMED AND SCREAMED.

She remembered a remark I made about loving her silicone ring and...now I have my own in gray. I put it on and I said to her (this is true), "I DO!" (She laughed.) So I had a date and then got engaged. All in a matter of 2 hours. What am I complaining about?

Lord, thank you for my dear sisters who have shown me love in this way today. And I'm blessed because of you, Shana and Courtney. xoxo

What the Whole Foods!?!?!

Hello readers!

Some of you have heard me say I'm not really permitted to blog [details] these days. But there are so many fun things to report. So until my book is published, I'll have to share pleasantries and bon mots in this abbreviated, limited format.

Today's hilarious episode starts with an email.

I've been anxiously trying to secure a PT job at Whole Foods Market. Given my highly decorated days as a PathMark cashier in the 80's (high school, people)...they awarded us pins, "flare", in recognition of speedy service to decorate your apron. I had BLING. I mean people would stand in queue for me to wait on them! (Ha. Did you get that?)

And my most recent, impressive title as Cafeteria Manager (read: lunch lady) at our little school, I boastfully counted myself a shoe in.

Until a few days ago.

"Dear Cashier Applicant,
Thank you for applying to Whole Foods Market........we're going to go with a more qualified applicant..."

Huh? No interview? No phone call? How am I supposed to dazzle you with my charming disposition over the interwebs?

Something's wrong here.

I blame Russia.

What could it have been? Ya know, I was probably going up against a career cashier with faster, more accurate double-bagging skills.

But I knew I wasn't going to worry. God had another plan.

Today I got a text. This is exactly how it went down.

(MY FRIEND IS M:
I'LL BE S:)

M: How long is your plumbing gig? We need a temp summer receptionist (full time)
S: Whaaaat? Woah. It ends this Fri. What happened to your girl?
M: Are you interested?
S: Sure!
M: You're hired!

That was the BEST INTERVIEW I NEVER HAD. I didn't even have to brush my teeth.

I will tell everyone I know (and don't know yet) of God's great love for His children. And how He is keeping His promises to take care of me.

Don't Waste Your Pain (Advice To My Sisters in Christ)

Dear sister in limbo,

Don't be like me. Please don't believe that your life in Christ cannot matter as much (as you were taught) or be as full because your picture looks different. Don't believe your impact cannot be strong. Don't believe that the judgement of others will overshadow your witness.

What I've learned over the last year is that God can take my pain, my heartache, my situation (Fine. I'll say it. My divorce.) and use me anyway.

For a long, long time I believed that I had to belong to a traditional family, have an Olan Mills church directory portrait gracing my family room wall, check off the married box when completing important paperwork in order to be a true, bonafide and effective child of God.

I was wrong about so many things. I made poor choices. I listened to the wrong ideas.

Finally, God used an army of strong men and women to help me see. And through them, God ushered me out of a desperate existence into a beautiful, meaningful, fulfilling life in Him.

I can finally say with great gladness that I realize I can still be used of God, be valued and revered as one who has survived much, be a voice, use my experience, point others to Jesus, love others that hurt, return the compliment to those in need, help to win souls, and mostly importantly not waste my pain as a formerly married woman.

I CAN raise healthy boys.

I WON'T ruin my children for life (because let's face it, I'm not that powerful.)

I CAN teach them to love and follow the Lord.

I CAN have real joy.

I CAN enjoy abiding peace.

I AM IMPORTANT to the Body of Christ.

Thank you, God, for lovingly teaching me by your grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, how awesome You are and that despite my innumerable flaws, I am worthy.

Confession and news

In 2000, my childhood music idol, Amy Grant, married Vince Gill. That was the same year I was married!! I remember pouring over her wedding photos while I was planning ours trying to get ideas. I think I even had some of her magazine clippings in my 3-ring bridal binder. #whatanerd

Her hair was so delicately done up with tiny white flowers and her soft brown curls were pinned back so perfectly, but for a few wisps that gently fell around her face.

How stunning. Should I try that? Nah. Probably not a look compatible with an autumn wedding.

But wait a minute. Should I even be trying to emulate her look? I mean, after all, she's divorced. AND she's remarrying!?

How horrific. What a disgrace to Christian music. What a disgrace to the Church. HOW COULD SHE? And how dare she do this to her children! I should probably put this magazine away.

I see my judgemental heart and I'm so ashamed. I always called myself a "black & white thinker", which in many ways has served me well. But what was it really?

Judgement. I'm so good at evaluating sin in others.

Now after nearly 17 years, and running the risk of sounding like another one of my idols, Lysa TerKeurst, my own marriage is coming to an end. So much pain and anguish have led up to this point, but much of the pain is hurt I now feel for women who have suffered similarly.

Growing up with grandparents who were married over 70 years, parents still married after 58 and two sisters whose marriages are in tact, I feel like a big, fat statistic.

How many years did James Dobson speak to me through my kitchen radio, "...divorce is like cancer to children..." and "...Christian families are under attack. Don't let the enemy win!"?

I am comforted by the Scriptures knowing that our merciful God has made concessions for divorce in specific circumstances, and I'm so grateful for my church and my Pastors and elders at Harvest Philly who are standing with me.

And of course my faith-filled parents, my family and my friends... I have what feels like an army of supporters.

Even still, this hurts so bad.

Please pray for us. Please pray for my children. And of course, please pray for Paul.

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL FACEBOOK GROUP ADMINS (this is a long one)

What the beans is an open letter anyway? Isn't anything you publish or write that's written open? Who knows. I just wanted to be like all the other cool kids by writing my own open letter.

Since the beginning of Facebook, millions of people have enjoyed certain groups created for like minded people to share thoughts, sell things, help neighbors, buy stuff, post silly puppy videos, relive memories, etc... I personally have joined many groups and even started some of my own.

So, given the fact that Facebook is a means to facilitate social interaction, can someone please explain to me the phenomenon that equates Facebook Group Admins with bullies? Good gracious, I have never seen such an unfortunate group of people with such profoundly inflated senses of self. What's wrong? Do I sound mad?

Here's what happened.

In an effort to make some money and begin living a life of minimalism (tricky because my mate is a maximalist)I have joined the big, scary world of eBay selling.

And being self-aware of the need for coaching in this area, I joined a FB group -- a support group of sorts for eBay sellers. This particular group had probably 12k members and was very active. How helpful it was to be able to lean on other sellers for advice and input and what a great way to learn.

I noticed that in almost every post however (questions about shipping, packing, airing grievances about low-bidders, etc...)the commenting option was shut off and hence read, "Commenting Has Been Turned Off". Hmmm. That was strange. Did someone say something offensive? I looked again. Not that I could see! Again, another post about "...what do you think would be the value of this...?" I wanted to leave a comment about something that I'd seen that was similar, but again - the commenting was turned off and wouldn't permit any more input.

After noticing about 8 or 10 instances of this, I started to become annoyed. I sent a private message to the Admin which read:

"Hi! I'm new to the eBay group.
I'm just wondering why you are so quick to turn off commenting? I'm a member of many groups, and admin three of my own. Why so heavy handed? What's the harm in allowing a benign conversation to continue?? If it's a friendly exchange, why interfere?
Thanks!"

I waited a couple days to see what her response to me would be. Certainly she would answer me. Or would she? Maybe she'd blast me. I was preparing myself for the worst. I looked at the FB message screen and didn't see any evidence that she had yet read my message. (When you message someone with whom you have no connection, the message hides in an "other" folder that you have to purposely look for. It doesn't automatically notify you.)

I searched for the group so I could post a query. Where was the group? Wait a minute. What? She deleted me?? For what??? For an innocent question?

I don't mind telling you, this infuriates me. This is not the first FB Admin I've encountered with an inflated sense of self. What in the world would possess these admins to rush to hit the block button?? Did they train under Nero? Did they grow up going to summer camp for Spartans? Do they dip their insubordinate members in wax and burn them at the stakes in the palace garden?? Watch it! One wrong move and you're TOAST! GIVE ME A BLEEPIN BREAK. Where's the humanity? The tolerance? The grace? Just answer a question, for goodness sake!

For almost this reason alone, I started a group of my own. Unlike some of the other groups I run, I wanted to create this group for the EXPRESSED PURPOSE OF BEING THE MOST LOVING, MOST PERMISSIVE, MOST GENEROUS Admin there ever was. (You might think this is dramatic, right. ;) )

This Nation of ours is under attack. We are divided over politics, faith, the fate of the ACA. WHY would someone, a supposed adult, choose to behave this way?

If you're still reading, God bless you. You're quite the patient friend.

So that all happened a couple weeks ago. THIS NEXT STORY JUST HAPPENED DAYS AGO.

Along with my eBay selling, I'm pretty actively involved in FB Yardsale groups. But some of my favorite groups got too big and that lead to people not following through, "Passing" a lot more, etc... It became a headache.

So with my PayPal account, a printer and some cute poly mailers, I can ship things from home! So that's what I do now. It's easy and fun and I'm quite good at it!

This last week I posted 2 pairs of my boys' shorts on an Under Armour page. A very active page for which I was so grateful; I'm able to sell a lot quickly. The shorts? 1 pair of Under Armour, the other Nike. I sold both within an hour.

Later I went back to check something and couldn't find the group. Huh? I just sold something. Where did they go? Was I blocked? Are you kidding? Turns out Nike products are not permitted and they have a no-tolerance policy, so I got the boot. And not only the boot, but blocked - which means I can't even SEE the group should I choose to look it up. No tolerance. No warning. I'm a friendly seller. I post nice pictures, good descriptions. Fair prices. I'm honest. But so long! I've been vaporized.

I wrote to the admin of the group to see why I had been ejected, she didn't read my message, but her underling did. I explained how sorry I was. It was an honest mistake. I'm a part of many groups and I forgot that THAT was the group that didn't permit Nike. I also explained that I was very compliant, obedient and would never deliberately defy the rules.

She said the rules were strict, she couldn't reinstate me but would be "happy to add me to two other similar groups". Ok. I thanked her very much.

I enjoyed immediate selling success in this new group that permitted mostly all name brands. But I tread very carefully because I noticed that this new admin was carefully policing a lot of posts; adding her unsolicited opinion here and there.

In this group I answered someone's question using FB's reply feature. (If you know FB you know the reply feature.) In the post (of the shorts I was selling) the admin wrote just moments later, "USING REPLY IS FORBIDDEN IN THIS GROUP. I CANNOT GIVE ANOTHER WARNING."

Another warning? I just joined a few hours ago? OK. Sorry. The reply feature is sorta' automatic for FB users, anymore. But Ok. I'll be more careful.

(Reader, are you still there? I know this is boring. I'm boring myself!)

I found a shirt to fit my son - it was the right size and would fit my husky boy. The seller's original price was $13.50. But she had written in the comments that it was now reduced to $13. I wrote sold, gave my email address but when the invoice came through PayPal, it said, $13.50.

I wrote within the post, "Sally, I'm so sorry, I realize this is petty, but you invoiced me for more than the asking price." I waited a few days for a reply. But instead of hearing from the seller, enter the friendly admin...

"I have read all the edits and it was indeed $13.50."

No. I pointed out the date stamp of the $13 price adjustment and took a screen shot and said, "At 7:20p, she wrote $13." (It was right there!!)

Admin: "It's petty to squabble over $.50. It was obviously an honest mistake. People make honest mistakes all the time."

(Did you hear that? Then how come I wasn't extended the same grace?)

I then wrote, "But when *I* make an honest mistake??" "I'll gladly pay the invoice now. Thanks for your gracious understanding."

I went back to find the post so I could notify the seller but I couldn't locate it. Couldn't find the group. Couldn't find anything. SHE EXPELLED ME FROM THE GROUP?

I immediately messaged the admin, "WHAT in the WORLD??".....then, "I'm sorry, this recipient is not available...." SHE BLOCKED ME, so I can no longer message her, find the group, buy or sell my things.

I AM OUTRAGED. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO BEHAVE LIKE THIS? They sit at their computers and bulldoze and annihilate anything and anyone that stands in their way or disagrees with them?? No dialogue? No explanation? Who are you Kim Jun Un??

These admins don't know me! They don't know how much I love people! They don't know that my mother is the original church lady that Dana Carvey's character played in the SNL skit. They don't know that I always pay for the car behind me in the Chik-fil-A drive through or that if the guy in my rear-view mirror in traffic looks annoyed (gives me a hand signal?) because he has to wait for me to make a left hand turn, I will abort my intended route and take a detour just so he's not inconvenienced.

So on Good Friday as I was feeling dejected, misunderstood, unheard, judged, betrayed and mistreated by someone I didn't know, guess who came to mind?

The admin that I mentioned above lives in Kentucky. I looked her up. And I was ready to send her a smelly, dead fish in the mail. Then I read Romans 12:21
"Do not repay evil for evil, but overcome evil with good."

So who wants to buy some Under Armour shorts?