Friday, May 7, 2021
How I Lost Over 200 Pounds!
Monday, March 9, 2020
Out of Paper Towels (NOT a COVID 9 post)
*THIS POST IS RATED G for General Thankfulness*
There's an organization, City Team, located in Chester, PA. If you're not local, Chester is a troubled place, located in Delaware County. There's so much crime there that it can't support a grocery store. There'd be too much shoplifting to stay afloat! But they do have a prison. Anyway, City Team runs a soup kitchen and rehabs addicts and ex-cons (etc...) back into the workforce. They're a wonderful operation. Each year, they serve the community with Easter dinners, Thanksgiving meals and the real O.G. fan favorite, Christmas presents and BIKES!
Every December, the most wonderful event of the season is Toy Delivery Day at City Team. Hands down.
This Christmas, my boys and I were standing in a room filled with about 80 people listening to the director give instructions about delivering toys. I usually run into people I know that day. This year I saw a family that we knew from our former school. So nice looking. Always dressed just so. And incredibly well to do.
Orientation ended and we had to get our cars, wait in line to get our route, get packed up, and head out.
I pulled my little 20 year-old Camry into the loading zone. I felt somewhat car-shamed when they motioned me to pull over to the side as "I'd have to wait for a small load...I wouldn't be able to transport a lot." (Most volunteer drivers had minivans, SUVs and pick-up trucks) What? Small load?? NO BIKES??!? I wasn't going to be overshadowed by these Main Line soccer moms. So I --- you guessed it --- SHOWED THEM MY TRUNK. (It's huge.)
While waiting I saw a very shiny, newish, luxury SUV being loaded with bikes. Oh, it was the family we saw in orientation. My boys noticed that their son (just a little older than Levi) was now driving. But wait. The other part of their family was in ANOTHER luxury SUV behind them. (I can't tell you exactly what they were, but one rhymes with Range Rover and the other with Infinity.) My boys were suddenly aware of how wealthy they must really be. After I blotted the drool off of their green faces, I began my sermonette...
"You know boys, those kids were born rich and will die rich. But guess what? They will NEVER KNOW the THRILL of having their needs met in the surprising and amazing ways that God takes care of us..."
A couple of days before, the mailman brought us surprise Christmas gifts; gift cards and some other unexpected presents. Some anonymous. And as usual, the three of us sat down together to thank God for his provisions. And I always take the time to explain how God has promised to take care of our needs. It's an incredible lesson to share with them, and I tell them I NEVER WANT THEM TO FORGET this time in our lives - during our affliction - that God showed Himself strong. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness.
Last week I ventured out to the store for cat food and paper towels. It was nearly midnight. I had been putting it off because I was so broke. I got the cat food but had to put the paper towels back at the register because I was short.
Driving home I cut through the shopping center across the street from where I live. It was almost midnight, so everything was closed. As I drove through the shopping center, I saw something on the sidewalk. What was that? I looked in my rearview mirror and backed up. I thought I saw Bounty? Right on the sidewalk, between the Hallmark store and the Dialysis Center --->>
THRILLING. Serving the Lord and waiting on Him, while not always easy, is THRILLING.
Psalm 105:1-5
Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles
There's an organization, City Team, located in Chester, PA. If you're not local, Chester is a troubled place, located in Delaware County. There's so much crime there that it can't support a grocery store. There'd be too much shoplifting to stay afloat! But they do have a prison. Anyway, City Team runs a soup kitchen and rehabs addicts and ex-cons (etc...) back into the workforce. They're a wonderful operation. Each year, they serve the community with Easter dinners, Thanksgiving meals and the real O.G. fan favorite, Christmas presents and BIKES!
Every December, the most wonderful event of the season is Toy Delivery Day at City Team. Hands down.
This Christmas, my boys and I were standing in a room filled with about 80 people listening to the director give instructions about delivering toys. I usually run into people I know that day. This year I saw a family that we knew from our former school. So nice looking. Always dressed just so. And incredibly well to do.
Orientation ended and we had to get our cars, wait in line to get our route, get packed up, and head out.
I pulled my little 20 year-old Camry into the loading zone. I felt somewhat car-shamed when they motioned me to pull over to the side as "I'd have to wait for a small load...I wouldn't be able to transport a lot." (Most volunteer drivers had minivans, SUVs and pick-up trucks) What? Small load?? NO BIKES??!? I wasn't going to be overshadowed by these Main Line soccer moms. So I --- you guessed it --- SHOWED THEM MY TRUNK. (It's huge.)
While waiting I saw a very shiny, newish, luxury SUV being loaded with bikes. Oh, it was the family we saw in orientation. My boys noticed that their son (just a little older than Levi) was now driving. But wait. The other part of their family was in ANOTHER luxury SUV behind them. (I can't tell you exactly what they were, but one rhymes with Range Rover and the other with Infinity.) My boys were suddenly aware of how wealthy they must really be. After I blotted the drool off of their green faces, I began my sermonette...
"You know boys, those kids were born rich and will die rich. But guess what? They will NEVER KNOW the THRILL of having their needs met in the surprising and amazing ways that God takes care of us..."
A couple of days before, the mailman brought us surprise Christmas gifts; gift cards and some other unexpected presents. Some anonymous. And as usual, the three of us sat down together to thank God for his provisions. And I always take the time to explain how God has promised to take care of our needs. It's an incredible lesson to share with them, and I tell them I NEVER WANT THEM TO FORGET this time in our lives - during our affliction - that God showed Himself strong. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness.
Last week I ventured out to the store for cat food and paper towels. It was nearly midnight. I had been putting it off because I was so broke. I got the cat food but had to put the paper towels back at the register because I was short.
Driving home I cut through the shopping center across the street from where I live. It was almost midnight, so everything was closed. As I drove through the shopping center, I saw something on the sidewalk. What was that? I looked in my rearview mirror and backed up. I thought I saw Bounty? Right on the sidewalk, between the Hallmark store and the Dialysis Center --->>
THRILLING. Serving the Lord and waiting on Him, while not always easy, is THRILLING.
Psalm 105:1-5
Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Details
THIS POST IS RATED G for General Thankfulness.
There was a store in my former neighborhood, Waterloo Gardens; a Main Line mainstay that employed hundreds over seven decades. It had a wonderful reputation amongst the people in the area. They boasted a nursery, upscale gift shop, fountains and hardscaping, food and houses for wild birds and experts in the field of landscaping to help you select the perfect plantings for your property. I stopped in regularly with my toddlers to tour the outdoor garden fountains during the warmer months. Window shopping there was all I really needed. At Christmastime they were famous for their Christmas Shoppe - complete with model train displays and lights galore. What was that famous miniature, lit villages brand that everyone loved to admire? Department 56 or something? I could only afford Waterloo's ornaments and gift wrap -- and only on December 26th for their post Christmas sale.
It was October, 2017 when we left my childhood home in Havertown; home that had been our sanctuary-city for, what was supposed to be a couple of weeks, but turned into three months. I had to leave many things behind at my marital residence, but God provided, like He always does, through the kindness of others.
One thing I had always longed for in my home was window lights. The warm glow coming from the windowsills always provided a welcoming and safe feeling during the cold months, especially when it became dark so early in the evening. But I had cats and casement windows and children - and was never sure how to secure the lights from being knocked over by one.
Shortly after I moved to my new apartment, I saw an ad on one of the Facebook sites... A woman had a bunch of electric, brass candle lamps for sale. I'm not sure about where you live, but around here, if you don't reply SOLD immediately, it'll be snatched out from under you in the blink of an eye by another shopping neighbor.
I didn't really read the description thoroughly, but in my haste I typed SOLD. Her home was near my King of Prussia church, so that Sunday I made my way over to meet her.
For $20 I walked out with a number of candle sticks; adjustable to be secured by shutting the window on the handle. Perfect! My cats won't knock them down.
There were ten lamps in the set. I was afraid to count the windows in my apartment in my head, so I waited...
I was ecstatic to find I had EXACTLY ten windows in my new apartment!!! I was beside myself. Then I opened the boxes of lamps, and to my delight... O my gracious, they came from my favorite store!?!?!
I realize it sounds silly, but having these candle lights in my windows gives me great hope, assurance and delight. I know God Himself led me to these lights, and I feel loved when they are lit. God, my Savior, is in the details of my life and I love it.
Matt 6:8 “...and your Father knows what you need even before you ask.”
There was a store in my former neighborhood, Waterloo Gardens; a Main Line mainstay that employed hundreds over seven decades. It had a wonderful reputation amongst the people in the area. They boasted a nursery, upscale gift shop, fountains and hardscaping, food and houses for wild birds and experts in the field of landscaping to help you select the perfect plantings for your property. I stopped in regularly with my toddlers to tour the outdoor garden fountains during the warmer months. Window shopping there was all I really needed. At Christmastime they were famous for their Christmas Shoppe - complete with model train displays and lights galore. What was that famous miniature, lit villages brand that everyone loved to admire? Department 56 or something? I could only afford Waterloo's ornaments and gift wrap -- and only on December 26th for their post Christmas sale.
It was October, 2017 when we left my childhood home in Havertown; home that had been our sanctuary-city for, what was supposed to be a couple of weeks, but turned into three months. I had to leave many things behind at my marital residence, but God provided, like He always does, through the kindness of others.
One thing I had always longed for in my home was window lights. The warm glow coming from the windowsills always provided a welcoming and safe feeling during the cold months, especially when it became dark so early in the evening. But I had cats and casement windows and children - and was never sure how to secure the lights from being knocked over by one.
Shortly after I moved to my new apartment, I saw an ad on one of the Facebook sites... A woman had a bunch of electric, brass candle lamps for sale. I'm not sure about where you live, but around here, if you don't reply SOLD immediately, it'll be snatched out from under you in the blink of an eye by another shopping neighbor.
I didn't really read the description thoroughly, but in my haste I typed SOLD. Her home was near my King of Prussia church, so that Sunday I made my way over to meet her.
For $20 I walked out with a number of candle sticks; adjustable to be secured by shutting the window on the handle. Perfect! My cats won't knock them down.
There were ten lamps in the set. I was afraid to count the windows in my apartment in my head, so I waited...
I was ecstatic to find I had EXACTLY ten windows in my new apartment!!! I was beside myself. Then I opened the boxes of lamps, and to my delight... O my gracious, they came from my favorite store!?!?!
I realize it sounds silly, but having these candle lights in my windows gives me great hope, assurance and delight. I know God Himself led me to these lights, and I feel loved when they are lit. God, my Savior, is in the details of my life and I love it.
Matt 6:8 “...and your Father knows what you need even before you ask.”
Saturday, September 21, 2019
The Things I Tried To Save My Marriage
My friend Nancy bought me a beautiful journal, and I've been writing in it of late. I'm not sure writing things down helps me as much as people say it should, but time will tell. When thoughts come flooding in, a keyboard is more my speed, due in part to my carpal tunnel. Writing by hand is sometimes painful.
So here's a list of some of the things I tried in order to save my marriage. They're in no particular order:
1. I entered "Home Makeover" shows thinking that if our broken house was fixed, it would fix our broken home
2. I went to counseling. Ad nauseam.
3. I called Bill Shore, the head of the mens' ministry at our church, and asked him to befriend my friendless husband.
4. I called my girlfriend when I found emails between my husband an his ICU nurse - and my friend's elder husband came and escorted him out of our house, hoping to warn him to get himself in line.
5. I called into Steve Arterburn's NEW LIFE radio talk show at least 6 times for marital advice. One time I waited on hold for the duration of my toddler's 2 hour nap.
6. My husband and I attended a NEW LIFE marriage weekend retreat out of state, paid for by my church. They put us in the category of "last ditch effort" couples needing radical help.
7. I read books like The Five Love Languages and Love & Respect (grrrr Eggerichs!!) and Stormie Omartian's The Power Of A Praying Wife. And countless others.
8. I listened to Focus on the Family EVERY DAY (my kitchen radio was ALWAYS tuned to WBYN.) I'd listen in the morning and during the midnight breastfeeding hours. Dobson was SURE that God wanted all marriages to stay in tact and that was the way a believer honored God. (There was little to no talk about abusive marriages 4-17 years ago.)
9. I wrote to my hero; best selling author and organizational expert, Peter Walsh, thinking that he would have mercy on me and come film a show about de-hoarding at our home. If you remember him (the sharp Aussie from the network TLC show Clean Sweep) you'll know that he was incredibly gifted at explaining to couples how 'loving your belongings more than your spouse would eventually kill your union'. (Ya think?) Yes, he wrote me back twice. He said, "the problem you're having is a communication problem."
10. I attended a 12 step program (AA meetings) (secretly). Steve Arterburn often recommended this if you had a loved one who was an addict. I wasn't sure what my husband was addicted to, but I knew it was likely several things. I thought it would give me a better understanding of how to handle his crazy and cruel behaviors. It didn't save our marriage, but I did lose 48lbs.
11. More counseling.
12. I tried to 'voluntold' my husband to serve at church. He would never agree, but I thought at least maybe parking lot duty would help him get connected?
13. Of course I prayed for him - so did my friends who were so freaking fed up with him.
14. I asked a friend to go with him to the Promise Keepers weekend in Baltimore. Sure enough, he came home with about $80 worth of merchandise. (?)
15. I rented Christian movies like "Fireproof" and we watched it as a family.
16. I enrolled in special Bible Studies at COS like Fireproof, When Life Is Hard, as I was desperate to unlock the key to my neverending problems at home.
17. I studied forgiveness.
18. I threw myself into the reading of God's Word.
19. I ONLY listened to sacred music, hoping that the words of hymns and Christian songs would penetrate my wicked heart.
20. I purchased SAFE EYES; an internet filter so the temptations of the flesh wouldn't be available in my home.
21. I begged for the 800 channels of cable be cut, but...nope.
I'm sure there are more, but MAN --- it was an exhausting existence.
I'm no expert, but I'm reading a lot these days about the terrible advice being given to Christian women about marriage and divorce.
Here are some of the things I was told might help with the state of my marriage:
1. I should probably get a part-time job to get my mind off things and get out of my hate-filled house.
2. I should just start throwing his stuff out (BAD ADVICE... When you mess with an angry hoarder and move their things without their consent, you'd better duck.)
3. I should really focus on meeting his sexual needs.
4. OUR PROBLEM WAS A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM. (WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever believe this when you're dealing with a narcissistic abuser. There is simply NO COMMUNICATING because they spin and spin and spin the blame.)
And lastly, my favorite...
5. Our marriage is made up of two sinners. Every marriage is. (Edited to add: Someone wrote to me saying she didn't think I was a sinner. I wanted to plainly state, I KNOW I AM A SINNER. I know you are, too. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23) My point is when well-meaning Christian counselors point to that obvious declaration to explain why marriage is hard, it muffles the plea of a battered (physical or emotional) spouse to fight for justice in her abusive marriage.
There are TWO types of divorces:
Divorces of boredom or irreconcilable differences (we grew apart, we fell out of love, etc...)
and LIFE SAVING DIVORCES. Be sure you know which one before you (and me!) start judging others.
That's all for today. Thanks for listening.
So here's a list of some of the things I tried in order to save my marriage. They're in no particular order:
1. I entered "Home Makeover" shows thinking that if our broken house was fixed, it would fix our broken home
2. I went to counseling. Ad nauseam.
3. I called Bill Shore, the head of the mens' ministry at our church, and asked him to befriend my friendless husband.
4. I called my girlfriend when I found emails between my husband an his ICU nurse - and my friend's elder husband came and escorted him out of our house, hoping to warn him to get himself in line.
5. I called into Steve Arterburn's NEW LIFE radio talk show at least 6 times for marital advice. One time I waited on hold for the duration of my toddler's 2 hour nap.
6. My husband and I attended a NEW LIFE marriage weekend retreat out of state, paid for by my church. They put us in the category of "last ditch effort" couples needing radical help.
7. I read books like The Five Love Languages and Love & Respect (grrrr Eggerichs!!) and Stormie Omartian's The Power Of A Praying Wife. And countless others.
8. I listened to Focus on the Family EVERY DAY (my kitchen radio was ALWAYS tuned to WBYN.) I'd listen in the morning and during the midnight breastfeeding hours. Dobson was SURE that God wanted all marriages to stay in tact and that was the way a believer honored God. (There was little to no talk about abusive marriages 4-17 years ago.)
9. I wrote to my hero; best selling author and organizational expert, Peter Walsh, thinking that he would have mercy on me and come film a show about de-hoarding at our home. If you remember him (the sharp Aussie from the network TLC show Clean Sweep) you'll know that he was incredibly gifted at explaining to couples how 'loving your belongings more than your spouse would eventually kill your union'. (Ya think?) Yes, he wrote me back twice. He said, "the problem you're having is a communication problem."
10. I attended a 12 step program (AA meetings) (secretly). Steve Arterburn often recommended this if you had a loved one who was an addict. I wasn't sure what my husband was addicted to, but I knew it was likely several things. I thought it would give me a better understanding of how to handle his crazy and cruel behaviors. It didn't save our marriage, but I did lose 48lbs.
11. More counseling.
12. I tried to 'voluntold' my husband to serve at church. He would never agree, but I thought at least maybe parking lot duty would help him get connected?
13. Of course I prayed for him - so did my friends who were so freaking fed up with him.
14. I asked a friend to go with him to the Promise Keepers weekend in Baltimore. Sure enough, he came home with about $80 worth of merchandise. (?)
15. I rented Christian movies like "Fireproof" and we watched it as a family.
16. I enrolled in special Bible Studies at COS like Fireproof, When Life Is Hard, as I was desperate to unlock the key to my neverending problems at home.
17. I studied forgiveness.
18. I threw myself into the reading of God's Word.
19. I ONLY listened to sacred music, hoping that the words of hymns and Christian songs would penetrate my wicked heart.
20. I purchased SAFE EYES; an internet filter so the temptations of the flesh wouldn't be available in my home.
21. I begged for the 800 channels of cable be cut, but...nope.
I'm sure there are more, but MAN --- it was an exhausting existence.
I'm no expert, but I'm reading a lot these days about the terrible advice being given to Christian women about marriage and divorce.
Here are some of the things I was told might help with the state of my marriage:
1. I should probably get a part-time job to get my mind off things and get out of my hate-filled house.
2. I should just start throwing his stuff out (BAD ADVICE... When you mess with an angry hoarder and move their things without their consent, you'd better duck.)
3. I should really focus on meeting his sexual needs.
4. OUR PROBLEM WAS A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM. (WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever believe this when you're dealing with a narcissistic abuser. There is simply NO COMMUNICATING because they spin and spin and spin the blame.)
And lastly, my favorite...
5. Our marriage is made up of two sinners. Every marriage is. (Edited to add: Someone wrote to me saying she didn't think I was a sinner. I wanted to plainly state, I KNOW I AM A SINNER. I know you are, too. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23) My point is when well-meaning Christian counselors point to that obvious declaration to explain why marriage is hard, it muffles the plea of a battered (physical or emotional) spouse to fight for justice in her abusive marriage.
There are TWO types of divorces:
Divorces of boredom or irreconcilable differences (we grew apart, we fell out of love, etc...)
and LIFE SAVING DIVORCES. Be sure you know which one before you (and me!) start judging others.
That's all for today. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
A Call to Christian Parents of Fortnite
Keeping my boys from video games lasted a long, long time. Until a day last year when their father took them to buy an XBOX.
In an effort to keep some sort of peace, I allowed them to transport their XBOX console to my house when they are with me. This has been one of my biggest mistakes.
But this post is not about divorcing Fortnite. (As soon as I figure that out, my readers will certainly be the first to know.)
After prayer, and in an effort to take back my boys, and shelter them under the wings of our great God, we as a family have resumed Scripture reading, prayer and time with the Lord in the morning - like we did when we were homeschooling. This sadly petered out of our daily routine when organized school began and I was treading water just to stay afloat after fleeing my home.
Like many of you, I felt ill-equipped because most of my homeschool material, books, devotionals still remain at my former coordinates and I didn't know where to start. Until recently I read that just reading them the living Word of God is good enough. Not just good enough, E N O U G H.
Today's call is regarding the "skins" used by boys in Fornite. (The skins are the characters/outfits the players choose and from what I've learned, some BUY the skins as an upgrade.)
While watching my boys play, I noticed their skins were female?! I immediately remarked about this and my 13yo said, "...everybody does it, because they're better than the male skins."
I chewed on that for a moment.
This is how it starts. An innocent game, used by the enemy to blur the lines and pervert the nature of who God made my boys to be. PERIOD. That's it.
NOT IN MY HOUSE. Either you use a male skin, or you're not playing.
If we don’t teach our children to follow Christ, the world will teach them not to, for “the whole world lies in wickedness” (1 John 5:19)
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
"Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 11:19)
"A woman must not wear men’s clothing, and a man must not wear women’s clothing, for whoever does these things is detestable to the LORD your God." (Deuteronomy 22:5)
Parents, I'm asking you to join me. PRAY ABOUT THIS and see if God calls you into action. And may God bless you as you shepherd your flock.
In an effort to keep some sort of peace, I allowed them to transport their XBOX console to my house when they are with me. This has been one of my biggest mistakes.
But this post is not about divorcing Fortnite. (As soon as I figure that out, my readers will certainly be the first to know.)
After prayer, and in an effort to take back my boys, and shelter them under the wings of our great God, we as a family have resumed Scripture reading, prayer and time with the Lord in the morning - like we did when we were homeschooling. This sadly petered out of our daily routine when organized school began and I was treading water just to stay afloat after fleeing my home.
Like many of you, I felt ill-equipped because most of my homeschool material, books, devotionals still remain at my former coordinates and I didn't know where to start. Until recently I read that just reading them the living Word of God is good enough. Not just good enough, E N O U G H.
Today's call is regarding the "skins" used by boys in Fornite. (The skins are the characters/outfits the players choose and from what I've learned, some BUY the skins as an upgrade.)
While watching my boys play, I noticed their skins were female?! I immediately remarked about this and my 13yo said, "...everybody does it, because they're better than the male skins."
I chewed on that for a moment.
This is how it starts. An innocent game, used by the enemy to blur the lines and pervert the nature of who God made my boys to be. PERIOD. That's it.
NOT IN MY HOUSE. Either you use a male skin, or you're not playing.
If we don’t teach our children to follow Christ, the world will teach them not to, for “the whole world lies in wickedness” (1 John 5:19)
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)
"Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 11:19)
"A woman must not wear men’s clothing, and a man must not wear women’s clothing, for whoever does these things is detestable to the LORD your God." (Deuteronomy 22:5)
Parents, I'm asking you to join me. PRAY ABOUT THIS and see if God calls you into action. And may God bless you as you shepherd your flock.
Monday, December 31, 2018
My Chronic Illness
While many of my musings have been of a humorous nature, I warn my readers that this post is Rated PG. (Personal Groanings).
It's New Year's Weave, er I mean Eve. Everywhere people are examining their lives (while in the queue at the ABC store), planning ways to make the next year "better". Come on, we're all familiar; eating smarter, exercising regularly, making time to be present (oh lawd, I hate that), juicing more, learning to love cauliflower pizza dough (gross) and as my friend and Pastor likes to joke, responsibly recycling. Doing these things will SHA-ZAM. Make your life better.
I've been in my darling apartment for nearly 15 months. I've seen God perform innumerable miracles in my life - you wouldn't BELIEVE. A free Camry! 4 jobs! (2 of which are within .5 miles from my home) friends upon friends upon friends giving, helping, giving, giving, giving.
So why am I so blue?
A friend read my mind recently. "It's scarier now, I'm sure...", she said. Yep. The adrenaline from fleeing in haste has waned, the dust has settled, the rigors of moving things, setting up my home have lessened.
I know the end of my story and I know I have hell-defeating hope. I also know my Redeemer can be trusted and I know the purpose of my life. That right there should be enough, I know it should. But the getting there...in the natural it feels very, very hard.
People have said and have assumed, "...but I'm so glad you're HAPPIER now. You DESERVE to be happy."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. But you're wrong.
I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any such thing. (I'll explain. God's Word tells me I'm a sinner and I deserve death. (Ecclesiastes 7, Romans 3) But wait! ---> That's not the end. ---> There is hope for those who put their trust in the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus.)
And I'm NOT happier now, but I understand how you can think that way.
I'm SAFER now. So that's important. But as long as my #1 earthly enemy still waits for me on the other end of my mobile device, I'm going to have a toothache in my knee, a migraine in my foot and a thorn in my flesh.
The texts, the constant manipulations, the selfish ambitions, the twisting of truths; no court order can protect me from that. This is my new reality. Sure it's different from before, but now I'm faced with the forever fact that until my boys are men, this is my diagnosis; my chronic illness.
I'm in anguish because a punk of a father, who "worked" until midnight every night and only saw his children but on the weekends now takes my boys away from me fifty percent of the time. I went from a stay at home mother, deeply devoted to the raising of my children, who saw them at every waking moment to now...in my apartment on New Year's Eve with America's Test Kitchen on PBS. (And no, my children were not my idol. I just took my job very seriously.)
So what does God say about this?
This is what the Lord says - he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters. "FORGET THE FORMER THINGS, DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19 NIV
And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5 NIV
I get it, Lord. I want to put my trust in You. I want to have unshakable joy, immutable faith. May Your will be done in my life.
Now, let's party! :(
It's New Year's Weave, er I mean Eve. Everywhere people are examining their lives (while in the queue at the ABC store), planning ways to make the next year "better". Come on, we're all familiar; eating smarter, exercising regularly, making time to be present (oh lawd, I hate that), juicing more, learning to love cauliflower pizza dough (gross) and as my friend and Pastor likes to joke, responsibly recycling. Doing these things will SHA-ZAM. Make your life better.
I've been in my darling apartment for nearly 15 months. I've seen God perform innumerable miracles in my life - you wouldn't BELIEVE. A free Camry! 4 jobs! (2 of which are within .5 miles from my home) friends upon friends upon friends giving, helping, giving, giving, giving.
So why am I so blue?
A friend read my mind recently. "It's scarier now, I'm sure...", she said. Yep. The adrenaline from fleeing in haste has waned, the dust has settled, the rigors of moving things, setting up my home have lessened.
I know the end of my story and I know I have hell-defeating hope. I also know my Redeemer can be trusted and I know the purpose of my life. That right there should be enough, I know it should. But the getting there...in the natural it feels very, very hard.
People have said and have assumed, "...but I'm so glad you're HAPPIER now. You DESERVE to be happy."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. But you're wrong.
I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve any such thing. (I'll explain. God's Word tells me I'm a sinner and I deserve death. (Ecclesiastes 7, Romans 3) But wait! ---> That's not the end. ---> There is hope for those who put their trust in the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus.)
And I'm NOT happier now, but I understand how you can think that way.
I'm SAFER now. So that's important. But as long as my #1 earthly enemy still waits for me on the other end of my mobile device, I'm going to have a toothache in my knee, a migraine in my foot and a thorn in my flesh.
The texts, the constant manipulations, the selfish ambitions, the twisting of truths; no court order can protect me from that. This is my new reality. Sure it's different from before, but now I'm faced with the forever fact that until my boys are men, this is my diagnosis; my chronic illness.
I'm in anguish because a punk of a father, who "worked" until midnight every night and only saw his children but on the weekends now takes my boys away from me fifty percent of the time. I went from a stay at home mother, deeply devoted to the raising of my children, who saw them at every waking moment to now...in my apartment on New Year's Eve with America's Test Kitchen on PBS. (And no, my children were not my idol. I just took my job very seriously.)
So what does God say about this?
This is what the Lord says - he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters. "FORGET THE FORMER THINGS, DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19 NIV
And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5 NIV
I get it, Lord. I want to put my trust in You. I want to have unshakable joy, immutable faith. May Your will be done in my life.
Now, let's party! :(
Monday, August 6, 2018
Pain Swapping
There are some things that people never tell you or I guess you never know until it looks you square in the face.
When I left my situation to escape all the things I'm not allowed to identify here (or now - maybe someday) there was instant relief from the ugly surroundings I had become so accustomed to.
What nobody prepared me for is that my parenting time would be brutally torn in half.
For the last nine years I had been used to being with my boys constantly. I worked as a homemaker, and the last two years, we homeschooled. Their father "worked"/didn't come home until after midnight every week night. I operated like a single parent in lots of ways.
But I loved it.
Homeschool especially gave us the chance to slow down our lives in a Google Calendar based culture.
We took field trips, read aloud, explored outside, had picnics, we offered rides to people with brain injuries, we stayed out late during baseball season, we served others in the name of the Lord. What a wonderfully enriching time the three of us spent together. I thank God.
Now I'm reduced to seeing my children that I carried each for 41 weeks, nursed for their first year, taught them to eat, walk, use the toilet, pray, read... Now I'm reduced to seeing them two days a week and every other weekend.
Every time I'm alone in this house I curse the reason I'm here.
I can't tuck them in.
Read to them every night before bed.
Sing them a hymn.
Hold them while they're fresh from the shower.
Hear them laugh together.
Play Sleeping Queens.
THIS ENRAGES ME - and as I type I ruin three coats of mascara. Again.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT GOD!
It seems like all I did was swap out one pain for another.
I wonder...if it's worth it.
When I left my situation to escape all the things I'm not allowed to identify here (or now - maybe someday) there was instant relief from the ugly surroundings I had become so accustomed to.
What nobody prepared me for is that my parenting time would be brutally torn in half.
For the last nine years I had been used to being with my boys constantly. I worked as a homemaker, and the last two years, we homeschooled. Their father "worked"/didn't come home until after midnight every week night. I operated like a single parent in lots of ways.
But I loved it.
Homeschool especially gave us the chance to slow down our lives in a Google Calendar based culture.
We took field trips, read aloud, explored outside, had picnics, we offered rides to people with brain injuries, we stayed out late during baseball season, we served others in the name of the Lord. What a wonderfully enriching time the three of us spent together. I thank God.
Now I'm reduced to seeing my children that I carried each for 41 weeks, nursed for their first year, taught them to eat, walk, use the toilet, pray, read... Now I'm reduced to seeing them two days a week and every other weekend.
Every time I'm alone in this house I curse the reason I'm here.
I can't tuck them in.
Read to them every night before bed.
Sing them a hymn.
Hold them while they're fresh from the shower.
Hear them laugh together.
Play Sleeping Queens.
THIS ENRAGES ME - and as I type I ruin three coats of mascara. Again.
THIS IS NOT RIGHT GOD!
It seems like all I did was swap out one pain for another.
I wonder...if it's worth it.
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