My friend Nancy bought me a beautiful journal, and I've been writing in it of late. I'm not sure writing things down helps me as much as people say it should, but time will tell. When thoughts come flooding in, a keyboard is more my speed, due in part to my carpal tunnel. Writing by hand is sometimes painful.
So here's a list of some of the things I tried in order to save my marriage. They're in no particular order:
1. I entered "Home Makeover" shows thinking that if our broken house was fixed, it would fix our broken home
2. I went to counseling. Ad nauseam.
3. I called Bill Shore, the head of the mens' ministry at our church, and asked him to befriend my friendless husband.
4. I called my girlfriend when I found emails between my husband an his ICU nurse - and my friend's elder husband came and escorted him out of our house, hoping to warn him to get himself in line.
5. I called into Steve Arterburn's NEW LIFE radio talk show at least 6 times for marital advice. One time I waited on hold for the duration of my toddler's 2 hour nap.
6. My husband and I attended a NEW LIFE marriage weekend retreat out of state, paid for by my church. They put us in the category of "last ditch effort" couples needing radical help.
7. I read books like The Five Love Languages and Love & Respect (grrrr Eggerichs!!) and Stormie Omartian's The Power Of A Praying Wife. And countless others.
8. I listened to Focus on the Family EVERY DAY (my kitchen radio was ALWAYS tuned to WBYN.) I'd listen in the morning and during the midnight breastfeeding hours. Dobson was SURE that God wanted all marriages to stay in tact and that was the way a believer honored God. (There was little to no talk about abusive marriages 4-17 years ago.)
9. I wrote to my hero; best selling author and organizational expert, Peter Walsh, thinking that he would have mercy on me and come film a show about de-hoarding at our home. If you remember him (the sharp Aussie from the network TLC show Clean Sweep) you'll know that he was incredibly gifted at explaining to couples how 'loving your belongings more than your spouse would eventually kill your union'. (Ya think?) Yes, he wrote me back twice. He said, "the problem you're having is a communication problem."
10. I attended a 12 step program (AA meetings) (secretly). Steve Arterburn often recommended this if you had a loved one who was an addict. I wasn't sure what my husband was addicted to, but I knew it was likely several things. I thought it would give me a better understanding of how to handle his crazy and cruel behaviors. It didn't save our marriage, but I did lose 48lbs.
11. More counseling.
12. I tried to 'voluntold' my husband to serve at church. He would never agree, but I thought at least maybe parking lot duty would help him get connected?
13. Of course I prayed for him - so did my friends who were so freaking fed up with him.
14. I asked a friend to go with him to the Promise Keepers weekend in Baltimore. Sure enough, he came home with about $80 worth of merchandise. (?)
15. I rented Christian movies like "Fireproof" and we watched it as a family.
16. I enrolled in special Bible Studies at COS like Fireproof, When Life Is Hard, as I was desperate to unlock the key to my neverending problems at home.
17. I studied forgiveness.
18. I threw myself into the reading of God's Word.
19. I ONLY listened to sacred music, hoping that the words of hymns and Christian songs would penetrate my wicked heart.
20. I purchased SAFE EYES; an internet filter so the temptations of the flesh wouldn't be available in my home.
21. I begged for the 800 channels of cable be cut, but...nope.
I'm sure there are more, but MAN --- it was an exhausting existence.
I'm no expert, but I'm reading a lot these days about the terrible advice being given to Christian women about marriage and divorce.
Here are some of the things I was told might help with the state of my marriage:
1. I should probably get a part-time job to get my mind off things and get out of my hate-filled house.
2. I should just start throwing his stuff out (BAD ADVICE... When you mess with an angry hoarder and move their things without their consent, you'd better duck.)
3. I should really focus on meeting his sexual needs.
4. OUR PROBLEM WAS A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM. (WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever believe this when you're dealing with a narcissistic abuser. There is simply NO COMMUNICATING because they spin and spin and spin the blame.)
And lastly, my favorite...
5. Our marriage is made up of two sinners. Every marriage is. (Edited to add: Someone wrote to me saying she didn't think I was a sinner. I wanted to plainly state, I KNOW I AM A SINNER. I know you are, too. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." (Romans 3:23) My point is when well-meaning Christian counselors point to that obvious declaration to explain why marriage is hard, it muffles the plea of a battered (physical or emotional) spouse to fight for justice in her abusive marriage.
There are TWO types of divorces:
Divorces of boredom or irreconcilable differences (we grew apart, we fell out of love, etc...)
and LIFE SAVING DIVORCES. Be sure you know which one before you (and me!) start judging others.
That's all for today. Thanks for listening.
